Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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