she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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