What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
