It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
50% drunk capacity currently
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
