Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
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