I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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