I got chris browned last night
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
