I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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