I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
