He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
