My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
