yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
