So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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