I didn't shave. On purpose
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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