In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The best revenge is premature balding
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He shit in the fireplace
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