I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
