I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
