On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
