Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
