I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
