I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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