Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
