last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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