Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
