I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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