Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
