I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We named our party play list daddy issues
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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