his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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