i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
