just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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