Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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