There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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