When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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