Jerry, you need to find god
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
