Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
COCAINE IS GR8
Randomize