erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
