The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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