if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
