Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
