i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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