tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
