I don't usually arrange sex via text message
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
