If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
