I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
