I skipped work to stalk him.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
