history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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