just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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