So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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