i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
