I hate your face
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Boobs speak an international language.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
