watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
