I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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