what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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