I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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