I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
