Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
