Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
