drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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